Today we're a little fired-up, ruminating on our biggest pet peeves when it comes to emotional support. Whether it's a friend, neighbor, colleague, therapist, or counselor – sometimes their well-meaning effort to help us lands as not helpful!
Have you experienced any of these?
My Support Person has an Agenda
Pet Peeve #1
We're sharing our woes, giving all the details about why whatever-it-is is bothering us, and then our support person chimes in with a question or a suggestion that indicates that they want us to do a particular thing.
Familiar with this?
One time, (Natalie here), my therapist interrupted me to ask if I had found time to work on my book. I was a little confused, because my current troubles were wholly non-book related. When I said no I wasn't working on my book, she said: "You've just got to write that book, it's so important for you to do that for yourself."
#1. I don't need reminding of what my own goals are thankyouverymuch.
#2. Do you mean to say you weren't even listening to what's important to me right now?
#3. If I complain about anything in my life you're just going to give me a list of what I should be doing?
#4. See ya.
My Support Person Acts Like I Only Have a Body
Pet Peeve #2
You're talking about your struggles and challenges with your kid/work/car/dog/partner and your support person recommends tending your body for your anxiety/rage/overwhelm/grief.
Do you know this one?
This kind of "support" seems to imply that if your skin is supple enough, your muscles are relaxed enough, your lungs full enough, and/or your lymph nodes drained enough... then you will not feel those pesky uncomfortable feelings ever again.
Dude, we love a body practice.
Body-based regulation is part of our modality.
We're stretching and walking and breathing like the best breathers and walkers out there!
But that's just not the whole story. In fact it leaves out the other two key brain states!
Even a person with a stoked body still has feelings about the kid/work/car/dog/partner, and still may want to do something about it.
My Support Person Gives Me Cognitive Mumbo Jumbo
Pet Peeve #3
You pour your heart out, revealing pains and truths that aren't easy to share, and your support person says some really smart-sounding, beautiful words, and it seems like maybe you've been offered an answer. But later, when you're back in the thick of it, you're like, what was I supposed to do?
Been there?
Maybe during your time together your support person reminds you to:
get to a neutral place about it
be more contained
focus on what’s working
open your heart chakra
embody your animal totem
be grateful
think positively
reframe your perspective
But later,
you're in a random parking lot
with sweaty armpits and rage and grief crashing through your body
and you need to come down from your jacked-up state
and get yourself back home where there are people that need you to listen/design/direct/cook/troubleshoot,
and you only have 15 minutes to make this happen
And the words of wisdom from your supporter are not helping.
If you’ve ever walked away from a support conversation thinking, “Well… that didn’t help at all!” you’re not alone. Most people were never taught how to truly support another nervous system — or their own.
After nearly two decades of refining NeuroEmotional Coaching, we’ve learned this:
Effective support isn’t mystical nor mechanical.
It’s neuroemotional.
It’s knowing:
whose agenda is guiding the moment,
which brain state is actually online,
what specific kind of support will shift the system,
and how to bring someone home to themselves with clarity, dignity, and agency.
When we can do that, everything changes — our relationships, our work, our leadership, our capacity.
And if you want to deepen that skill set — for yourself, your clients, or your community — we’d love to show you what’s possible.
P.S. If you'd love to know more about NeuroEmotional Coaching — let's chat.