How's this fine (or not-so-fine) day finding you? Here’s how it’s finding us…
We're hosting our 4th plumber in as many weeks.
Looking at a Yule tree with one string of lights thrown at its lower branches. (It's a start!).
And counting down the days until the light starts coming back. (Montana is dark these days, y'all!)
And we're writing you.
Today our topic is the couple's brain!
Yes, there are two brains in a couple, but together they make their own couple's nervous system – in really fabulous ways and other sometimes-not-so-fabulous ways. Let's get into it!
The Lowdown on the Couple's Brain
If we learn simple, practical ways to work with brain states – ours and our partner's – we can substantially increase our chances of successful interactions with each other.
Because here’s the deal:
In a couple we're never trying to make things worse.
Every human brain is designed to move fluidly between brain states depending on the moment-to-moment needs of their current environment. But when one partner is in "droopy mode" or "F-this mode", and the other partner attempts to talk to them like they're in "hey-lover-let's-solve-this problem mode", that's talking Executive Brain to Survival and Emotional Brain, and things go downhill fast.
Talking Executive Brain to Survival and Emotional Brain is the root cause of 99% of partnership conflict.
Misreading brain states is why conversations about chores, car repairs, weekend plans, money, intimacy, and even what to make for dinner, can feel strained and divisive.
Brain States in a Couple
All humans experience three primary brain states:
Survival State
⭐️ Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease reactions.
A partner in this state might:
- Shout: "We have to talk about this!" (Fight)
- Say: "Maybe we should just get a divorce." (Flight)
- Murmur: "I don't want to talk about it." (Freeze)
- Plead: "Just tell me what's wrong!" (Appease)
Emotional State
⭐️ When upset, there can be a drive for emotional connection often cloaked in complaining and supposed solution-seeking.
A partner in this state might:
- Have a wrinkled brow or down-turned mouth, coupled with loud sighs.
- Talk about the long list of things that need to be done.
- Reveal a stored inventory of past slights, insults, and injustices.
- Describe you, your life, your house, your income, your parenting, unfairly.
- Complain about a thing and then refuse help about that thing.
- Make sweeping adjustments or big moves to “feel better” - like sign you or the family up for things without asking.
Our partner isn't very partner-y from a Survival or (uncomfortable) Emotional Brain State.
We, and they, have to get back to an Executive State for doing partnership stuff.
Real problems arise when we attempt to address actions, thoughts, and words, instead of the brain states that fuel those actions, thoughts and words.
When our partner says:
”Maybe we should just get a divorce. "
Instead of clocking Survival Brain and supporting our partner to move out of it before we go further, we often go full blast into Survival Mode ourself and escalate.
We:
– Take the bait! And fly into a rage at this chicken-shit idea.
– Run away sobbing.
– Go numb and can't think of what to say.
– Beg them not to think that way.
But Survival Brain hates another person in Survival Brain so things don't get better.
When our partner says:
"I'm doing everything. Literally everything, while you do nothing. You're always doing whatever you want, whenever you want. It's not fair."
Instead of spotting Emotional Brain and supporting our partner's feelings before going further, we often make matters worse.
We:
– Defend! ("I didn't do anything for myself all day! And I just washed the dishes!")
– Argue! ("I'm not a mind reader, if you need help I'm happy to do it, just ask me.")
– Fix! ("I'm free right now! What do you need?")
– Logic! ("We need to just sit down and make a chart of everything that needs to get done and just divide it up.")
But Emotional Brain despises responses that skip empathy, understanding, and curiosity, so our partner gets even more upset.
Addressing behavior before addressing brain states is a lost cause.
Survival Brain (even if it’s the sickly-sweet Appease version) will always be an asshole, because it’s not about relating, it’s about protecting.
Emotional Brain (especially the upset version) will always be exaggerated and complaint-oriented, because it’s not about fixing, it’s about feeling together.
But when we support brain states, we automatically, naturally click into our ability for stellar partnership.
Executive State
⭐️ The brain’s high-performance system that exhibits all the faculties of good partnership: clear thinking, empathy, flexibility, creativity, cooperation, humor, learning, memory, etc…
A partner in this state might:
- Make a perfectly timed joke that shows their deep understanding of who you are as a person.
- Playfully flirt or tease after reading the room.
- Be interested in your day, including the details.
- Most closely resemble the person you fell in love with in all the best ways.
- Be able to share what's really true for them.
- Be able to brainstorm reasonable solutions to x, y, z.
The most realistic goal of healthy partnership...
Is not to stay in Executive Brain - that's not possible, and more harm than good is done when we try for that.
It's really to get super good at supporting ourselves and our partner to get out of Survival Brain, process through Emotional Brain, and back to Executive Brain before trying to partner up about stuff!
We call this Speaking Brain and it's essential to a good partnership.
Learn the Speaking Brain Dance:
A — Assess
Notice which brain is currently “driving.” Look at body language, pace, tone, thinking style, intensity, or signs of shut-down.
R — Regulate
We regulate our nervous system. Consciously slowing down our exhales, getting a long drink of water, moving slower — this literally tells both our own and our partner's nervous system, “This is not a Survival moment. It also helps us perform the next step better…
T — Talk (to the brain that’s driving):
Speak the language of the brain state at the wheel right now.
Slow, non-verbal cues of safety for Survival
Then wait for a softening which signals Emotional Brain
Empathetic, understanding, curious cues for Emotional
Then wait for a lightening and energizing which signals Executive Brain
Collaborate, brainstorm, team up with Executive Brain
The Good News for Partners
A relationship can change dramatically even if just one of the partners studies the dance steps.
Just like when one of you starts eating more veggies the other one inevitably starts eating more veggies – not because they read the NYT article about a diverse diet, but because you started having more veggies around! The language of the partnership will change because you start introducing a new language.
This is what we teach.
How to use brain systems and state-specific support to turn everyday life - including conflict - into fertile ground for connection, communication, and deeper intimacy.
It’s not about changing our partners!
It’s about supporting our brains so we can each be the partners we want to be.
Want to become a pro at this?
Our NeuroEmotional Coach Training is a comprehensive road map. Spend five science-and-connection-soaked months with us and come out an expert on supporting yourselves and others to work with the flow of neurochemistry. (The next term starts February 5th.)
We aren’t just partners in the Emotional Revolution, we're life partners! And we know firsthand what it's like to want connection but be stuck in disconnection. We're cheering you on from just a few steps down the partnership trail!
P.S. If you'd love more of this in conversation form — and want to see how it works in real parent/teen situations — let's chat.