The two of us have been in private practice for almost twenty years now, and as just a teeny sampling, these are some things our clients say in the privacy of a session.
– "I wish my husband didn't freeze up and go blank when I cry."
– "I can't complain to my mom because she'll worry so much that it isn't worth sharing."
– "I wish my wife could tell when I'm upset and help me. Instead she just assumes I'm fine. I'm not fine, I'm just too embarrassed to say something."
– "I want my boyfriend to be able to tell when I actually want help and when I'm just venting!"
– "Why doesn't my dad ask me any questions? If I'm upset he just leaves the room."
– "I want to be able to throw a fit and not have to explain myself!"
These quotes come from people who love their people, but don't love how their people respond to their upsets.
They begged us to make a class that their partner, mom, dad, boyfriend, or friends could take that simply taught them what to do or say.
Because when you're upset, you don't want to have to tell your person how to support you, you just want to be supported.
Maybe you're wondering if your person has ever said any of these things about you.
Maybe they have.
Not because you don't care, but because knowing what to say or do to help, is hard (especially when our person's upset is upsetting to us), and no one taught us any techniques that actually work.
Maybe you've said some of these quotes yourself!
You want support but you don't want to have to teach anyone how to do it. It's not fair to have to be the teacher and the crier at the same time.
Maybe you're suddenly desperate for some tips on how to do upset better – either for yourself or to slyly share with your person.
So here's the basic formula for big upsets:
Communicate safety
Manage nervous system activation
And here's the basic formula for medium upsets:
Invite the upset/complaint
Reflect the feelings you're hearing
Offer connection
These formulas can save a struggling relationship or elevate a functioning one.
But it is very easy to f- this up!
Common mistakes include:
– Freezing up
– Confusing a medium upset with a big upset
– Getting too worked up to remember the formula
– Jumping into the fray instead of supporting the fray
– Rushing to fix
– Taking the bait
– Apologizing instead of empathizing
– Accidentally signaling lack of safety (through body posture, breath, or certain eye contact)
– Explaining
– Validating or invalidating the story
– Offering advice
– And way, way more
That's why, after twenty years of clients wishing and begging, we did make this class.
It's called Support Fundamentals.
It starts tomorrow night.
It's what every relationship has been waiting for.
Registration deadline is tomorrow, Tuesday May 20th, at 3pm Pacific.
We made this for you, and we feel a lot of hope that you and your people just love it. 💛
Four Evening Classes
May 20, 5pm - 7pm Pacific
May 27, 5pm - 7pm Pacific
June 3, 5pm - 7pm Pacific
June 10, 5pm - 7pm Pacific
Everything is recorded and yours to keep forever.