We were at the drug store the other day (pimple patches and gift cards for you curious types), and while swiping the credit card I (Natalie) noticed the cashier (a mustachioed man in his 30s) had a green toy-like plastic thing nearby.
I casually asked: What's that transformer-looking thing?
He proceeded to tell me it was indeed a transformer – a "less important" character from the transformer universe. I expressed interest and enthusiasm, and asked a follow up question.
He divulged more.
I again showed empathy and further curiosity.
What unfolded was a delightful connective exchange.
On the way out the door, our daughter said: "Mom, I've been trying to unlock that guy for forever, and you did it in two questions!".
Curiosity coupled with empathy is a powerful thing.
Whether you want to:
increase the intimacy in your relationship,
bulk up your own emotional intelligence,
transform a foe into a friend,
or simply eliminate banal small talk altogether...
Curiosity coupled with empathy is the key.
Curiosity turns an ordinary exchange into a fascinating one.
An empathetic response turns it into meaningful connection.
In an ideal scenario, I would have had more time and could have asked this transformer man some more empathetic questions. Soon we'd be into his dreams and goals, his love life, and likely his very-relatable trauma. I am positive this man would reveal himself to be a fascinating person.
Everyone is fascinating and relatable under the empathetic curiosity lens!
Most of us want (crave/long/yearn) to be heard, understood, and seen for the fascinating creatures we truly are, but sadly very few people are courageous enough to ask the powerful, non-judgmental questions. and listen empathetically to the response.
Are you brave enough?
Let's find out...
Borrow from our years of connective conversing with clients and students across the globe.
Select a few of these powerful questions:
Is it okay if I ask you some more about that?
What led up to that?
Is this new for you?
How is that for you?
What makes this different?
When did that happen?
What do you make of that?
Since when?
What was that like?
Memorize them, and have them ready for when you want to:
start a friendship
help someone offload
deepen the connection
Be sure to pepper in empathy at every turn.
This is how we draw someone out instead of pushing them away.
Here are some empathetic phrases to memorize and utilize:
Is it okay if I ask you some more about that?
What led up to that?
Is this new for you?
How is that for you?
What makes this different?
When did that happen?
What do you make of that?
Since when?
What was that like?
Memorize them, and have them ready for when you want to:
start a friendship
help someone offload
deepen the connection
Be sure to pepper in empathy at every turn.
This is how we draw someone out instead of pushing them away.
Here are some empathetic phrases to memorize and utilize:
I totally get that
That makes so much sense
Of course! Who wouldn’t?
I really relate to that
Oh man, that sounds tough/fun/smart/ideal/etc.
I hear what you’re saying
I’d feel that same way
I understand. Same for me.
[Empathetic facial expressions]
By the by...
"Drawing a blank" is real!
It's super normal to find moments like these a little intimidating. When we get activated by the situation, or by the replies, sometimes our thinking brain checks out and we can't remember any questions or empathetic phrases.
If we can manage to stay in touch with our bodies, though, we tend to be able to better maintain our empathetic curiosity. So while you're listening to your person's answers, stay tuned into your literal corporeal self.
What are your toes doing?
Are you breathing?
Wiggle your fingers.
Lower your shoulders.
Pet your elbow.
You got this!
Turn ordinary human relations into extraordinary human connection.
You and your people deserve the oxytocin!
ps. Want someone to ask you some powerful and empathetic questions?
(Who doesn't?)
We have the perfect coach for you.