Here at the Center for Emotional Education we are focused on (obsessed with?) rewiring brains to develop Emotional Sovereignty, and that means making real sense of the three main brain states:
Survival
Emotional
Executive
In service of that mission, welcome to...
Instinct, Inspiration, Intuition!
This is a new series of stories that illustrate how the three brain states work in real life.
Though these stories do not describe any particular person's experience, they are made from bits borrowed from the very real lives of our clients, students, and selves.
Enjoy this partnership edition!
Instinct
My partner enters the room where I am finally tucked in bed with a novel in my hand. It's been a tough few months with not much time for anything more than stress and hustle. I am running on empty.
My partner knows this.
I have a hard time sleeping at the best of times, but lately sleep is particularly elusive and I have to sneak up on it carefully or it flees from me.
My partner also knows this.
And yet here he is, in our bedroom, using an "outside voice" to talk to the dog, to the weather app, and to me. This time about a new discovery in space, and microplastics, and a new album drop. I've tried many times to indicate the coils of barb wire that surround me in the moments before sleep, the invisible "do not enter signs" that I've posted at the perimeter of my lamp light. I use my bookmark pointedly.
And yet here he is.
Talking to me.
I am startled by the impulses that flash before me:
I kill him.
I leave him.
I play dead.
In reality I pretend to listen, proffer my lips for a kiss, and turn off the lamp before I'm ready.
A note: Instinct is driven by the Survival System.
This system is reliably accurate for predicting the ideal reaction for getting us out of immediate danger. It will determine, in a millisecond, if it's best to use Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease. (The character in the story used Appease against the perceived threat of thwarted sleep.). It is not a reliable system for selecting which course of action to take for a rich and nourishing life. It should not be trusted to make marital decisions. Do not "trust your gut" for anything other than life or death.
Inspiration
In the morning I find the note I made for myself before turning off the lamp last night. It says: Does he even know me?
I work with this thesis for days:
How could he not know me?
What if he doesn't know me?
How can I be married to him?
Why am I still married to him?
Why did I marry him?
He is whistling in the bathroom, I am chopping fruit (and our marriage) to bits in the kitchen. He makes me coffee, and I make sure I'm neither cold, nor warm to him. I sigh. He doesn't notice. I cut my finger and cry really hard. He brings me a bandaid.
Why do I want to be known?
When have I ever been known?
Who will come to my funeral/birthday party?
Why hasn't anyone ever known me?
Why am I so upset?
Where is this grief from?
What is this longing?
I walk the dog and leave lengthy audio messages for myself. Between clients I page through our wedding album looking for signs that will confirm or refute my theory. I text with friends. I can sway them either way depending on which evidence I share or leave out.
I now have pages of tear-stained words.
I am 35 in the grocery store and not recognized by an acquaintance.
I am 21 and hiding my essay under my bed instead of submitting it to the literary magazine.
I am 14 and still waiting for my mom who forgot to pick me up from school.
I am 5 and opening a gift – it's a nightgown that is purple, my sister's favorite color.
A note: Inspiration is driven by the Emotional System.
Our feelings inspire us to explore, talk, write, and make sense of our reality. From this state we will find ourselves stirred up, asking questions, discarding solutions, finding resonant facts (overlooking any others), and telling the story of how this experience feels and how it relates to the other times we have felt this way. It can be used as a creative muse, it should not be trusted to tell the whole truth of any partnership, nor to make a major decision about your partnership.
Intuition
Later, on a whim I decide to take myself to Sunday brunch, something I never do, but somehow seems very right. I take a different route, my feet guiding my way on a novel and beautiful path. Something tells me to purchase the Sunday New York Times. I do, and open it randomly to the Modern Love column.
When I return home I make an outline of the story I will submit to the New York Times – using my texts and notes and journal entries, starting with the scene at bedtime and my chatting partner, then on to my young self, my grief, my longing.
My partner reads it when I've finished. He circles a missing comma, asks me about an editorial choice. We confer on grammar. Even though I arrived at a narrative that is gracious and understanding of both of us, I am aware he may still find offense, or go on the defense, but instead he puts an arm around me and holds me for a beat and thanks me for sharing.
He mentions that he wants to tell me about the zombie white dwarf he just read about, later, but will make sure it's "long before bed". I make a mental note to invite that conversation (I do actually love talking with him) after I submit my essay.
A note: Intuition is driven by the Executive System.
This system is reliably accurate for guiding us to consider the wisest most beneficial perspective, acting from our core values, and mapping an aligned way forward. From this state we can see all the important elements (including our own role), have compassion for ourselves and others, and collaborate for a mutually beneficial goal.
The character in this story worked their way through an instinctual reaction (Survival Mode).
Used the activation as inspiration for a deep personal exploration (Emotional Mode).
Which allowed for important intuition to come through (Executive Mode).
And further utilized that brain state to organize (the essay outline), team up and communicate (sharing and editing together), and collaborate (astronomy talk way before bed).
Thanks for reading this partnership edition of Instinct, Inspiration, Intuition!
Do you recognize yourself in either of the characters?
What insights landed for you about brain states?