So now we have to ask you – are you emotionally intelligent enough to survive the apocalypse?
Juuuuust kidding!
(but only kinda-sorta!)
The ability to read, feel, and integrate emotion is in.
(And needed now more than ever!)
Mis-reading, stuffing, and reacting to emotion is out.
(Any examples of this come to mind lately?)
So, the real bajillion dollar question that just might save our species, is....
How do we teach emotional intelligence?
1. Model, Model, Model
Emotional intelligence is not learned via pen and paper, or by lengthy lectures from Mom and Dad. Thanks to mirror neurons, if we model healthy emotional expression, our children pick it up – just like walking and talking.
We can:
Identify frustration when the garbage cans block the driveway.
Express our nervousness and insecurity when it bubbles up before a holiday party.
Stop saying “I’m fine,” when we’re actually feeling worry or irritation.
Stop waiting to be alone before we shed tears.
Tax bills, divorce, wars, and scary politics do not belong in the realm of the innocent, it’s true. And, living our emotional life out loud doesn't mean always revealing the adult material behind our woes. We can express sadness, anxiety, anger, disappointment, or fear without sharing age-inappropriate details.
Here's a sample exchange that emotes and protects:
“What’s wrong, Mama?”
“I’m feeling some anxiety right now.”
“Oh. You’re crying?”
“Yep. I feel some sadness, too.”
“Are you okay?”
“I am okay. I’m taking good care of myself and good care of you, and I’m feeling feelings at the same time.”
A parent that cries when they feel sadness, names their emotion, and continues to care for themselves and others is an emotional leader. This kind of modeling teaches children to effectively use their Emotional System, the most efficient and powerful way to manage the ups and downs of life.
2. Don’t Fix
When our children are upset, we often find ourselves willing to do almost anything to make the crying or screaming stop.
“MOM! I dropped my cookie and the dog ate it! Dumb dog! Waaaaaah!”
“Oh, honey! It’s okay! Honey, stop crying! We have more cookies. Look! Here’s a new cookie! Really, it’s okay. It’s not a big deal.”
When the upset doesn’t stop, even though we’ve come up with a perfectly logical solution to the problem, it’s can be so confusing – until you understand how emotions work.
Feelings don’t get fixed.
When emotion shows up, the logical, trouble-shooting Executive System takes a coffee break (it doesn't do emotion!) and the Emotional System takes the lead. If there is a trusted person willing to hold space for the emotion, the emotion surfaces, is processed, and then lightens and lifts.
The Emotional System hates it when we approach emotional situations with logical solutions.
It’s like being shouted at in a foreign tongue. It’s simply not the right language for emotional processing. And it often comes across as antagonistic, not soothing and safe.
When the Emotional System is asked to do logic, instead of emotion, it joins the Executive System on that coffee break, and cues the Survival System to jump in and do what it does best: Fight, go into Flight, Freeze and shut down, or lie, cheat, and steal (Appease) in order to get back to safety.
For all our sakes, we need to get comfortable with our discomfort when our kids are upset. Emotion is a friend, not a foe, and we can prove that to our kids by not pushing them to avoid emotion with logical fixes.
3. Connect, Connect, Connect
If we're not hiding our own emotion, and we're not fixing theirs, what are we doing?
We’re providing connection around emotion.
All we have to do is notice an emotion, help name that emotion, and express understanding for that emotion.
In practical terms it looks like this:
Notice: “The dog ate your cookie?”
Name: “Shoot! How do you feel about that?”
Connect: “Darn it! That’s not what you wanted!”
Notice: “You're saying you don’t have anyone to hang out with at school?”
Name: “How is that for you? Do you feel some loneliness, sadness, anger...?”
Connect: “Sounds like you really don't like that. It feels good to be with people you enjoy, huh?”
Notice: “Your sister has the water bottle you want to use?”
Name: “I see. Feeling some frustration, huh? You both want the same one.”
Connect: “Shucks. You really wanted to use that.”
We can leave space around the emotion instead of trying to tidy it up too quickly. And ask open-ended curiosity questions like:
How long have you felt this way?
Have you ever felt this way before?
Where do you notice it in your body?
What's the ________ (feeling they named) like?
Let them describe the emotion to you and then empathize some more. If it's welcome, you can augment the sense of connection with eye contact, proximity, and static touch.
What about adults?
Right?! It's not just children that need or want to develop more emotional intelligence!
The same steps apply whether we're working with our own emotion, or the emotions another human being is experiencing!
Model
Don't Fix
Connect
At first, it can be kinda effortful to identify what feelings we're feeling. Initially we may only be able to name a few basics, like “frustration” or “worry.” But the more we look, the more varied shades of emotion will emerge. The process of getting to know oneself and love oneself at this level is new and unfamiliar, but with practice we’ll definitely get better at it.
We can do this.
We can raise our children and ourselves to use emotions to all of our advantage.
We can nurture robust Emotional Systems that not only help us through even the darkest hours, but also build meaningful relationships based on true connection.
Emotional smarts help us stay steady, together.