Perhaps an odd-seeming question, but – have you eaten anything yummy and fortifying yet today? Or have you hugged a close person or animal yet today?
We sure hope so! (Being the nerds we are, we know how useful these practices are for optimal "neurochemical maintenance". But they're also just great parts of life!)
Today, we're bringing you a list of the 7 classic ways people tend to botch a potentially connective emotional moment. Check them out, and then let us know:
Which of these have you experienced before?
Which of these have you "committed" before?
Seven Classic Support Breakdowns:
1. Fixing
Scenario: Things went bad today. You stubbed your toe, your car wouldn't start, the main thoroughfare is under construction and that made you late, and you also didn't sleep well the night before.
You: [Tell your person all about it.]
Your person: "Why didn't the car start? Did you check the oil? I've been taking Main Street all the way to Pacific Avenue, you should try it. Do you want to take my melatonin tonight? You need your sleep. Maybe go back to that Yin yoga routine before bed?"
Result: They engage in superficial talk about factual details. No connection, no empathy, no understanding, no release. You don't feel better.
2. Stealing
Scenario: Some bad stuff happened, and things didn't go the way you hoped.
You: [Share it with your person.]
Your person: "OH MY GOD! This is terrible! [Crying] Oh no, oh no, oh no. Can you get me my purse? I need to take my meds. This is going to kill me. Why is god punishing me? I just want you to be happy and this is what we get???"
Result: They steal the scene and now you have to support them. When this happens routinely, you stop sharing anything "triggering" and your support circle shrinks. You don't feel better.
3. Defending
Scenario: You notice something you don't like and that needs addressing.
You: [Bring it up with the person.]
The person: "I really don't appreciate how you're talking to me about this. I didn't do/say that! You're always tracking my "faults" but I do everything around here. So if I made a so-called mistake, which I didn't, it's only because I'm wiped out doing all the other things you want me to do or say. Am I ever going to be good enough for you?"
Result: No resolution, no addressing of the issue, no mutual understanding or collaboration. The more times you hear this kind of defense, the more likely you are to stuff your preferences and simmer in invisible resentment. You don't feel better.
4. Brightsiding
Scenario: You're bumming about something.
You: [Tell somebody about it.]
That somebody: "I'm so sorry to hear that. But at least you have the weekend to take it easy and relax, right? Plus, you're so good at figuring things out, I'm sure you'll be "back in the saddle" and working new magic in no time. And your kids, they're all doing so great! You're amazing. You're going to be fine."
Result: You go along with their encouragement because you know they mean well and they don't want to see you upset, and you stop talking. You note to yourself that this person "doesn't really get it". You don't feel better.
5. Cricketing
Scenario: Something's on your mind.
You: [Wait for just the right opportunity to share it with your person.]
Your person: [[*crickets*]]
Result: You say "Did you hear what I said?" and repeat yourself. Your person shows annoyance and impatience and says that yes they heard you, but what did you want them to say? There's nothing they can do about the issue. You feel frustration, throw up your hands, and go cry in the other room and decide that "something has to change". You don't feel better.
6. Ride-or-Dying
Scenario: Something happened that wasn't cool.
You: [Report it to your person.]
Your person: [more pissed than you] Are you kidding me?! That's unacceptable. You can't be treated that way! Are you going to talk to them? Did you stop payment on your check? You have to do something! Are you going to let them just roll right over you?
Result: Similar to the Stealing scenario, this moment has become more about them than about you. But in this case, if you don't react the way they think you should, then there will be conflict between the two of you. You wind up wishing you hadn't said anything. You decide it's better to handle things, even hard things, quietly, alone. You don't feel better.
7. Spirit-Guiding
Scenario: You've noticed something about a person in your life, and you're bothered by it.
You: [Bring it to the person in your life that seems to know about "inner work" and human psychology.]
That person: "Oh babe, yesssssss. I've done a lot of work on this. Girl, you're getting into shadow work! I'm so proud of you! Everything you don't like in that person is a reflection of what you don't like in yourself. It's time to dig in and get really real with yourself. Here, I'll send you a link to this amazing podcast. You'll love it.
Result: You smile and pretend like you're going to listen to the podcast. You leave the conversation with a sense of defeat, like there's just more "work" to do. You don't feel better.
So what's the verdict? Do any of these scenarios feel familiar?
These conversations are so common, and though often well-intentioned, they never deliver beneficial results!
That's why we created Support Fundamentals.
It's high-time we all had a simple primer to know exactly what to do when someone we care about is upset!
And because your person sometimes falls into the trap of one of these 7 common fails...
Ready to finally know how to support yourself and your people during difficult times?
We've got you.