Today we're writing to you – about the teen brain!
We recently taught a workshop on how to teach a workshop about the brain states – very meta! (Our Advanced Certification students graduate with the knowledge and prowess to teach any room how to work with the brain states of anybody!). For our demonstration workshop we focused on the teen brain and thought we'd share some of the key concepts with you.
The Lowdown on the Teen Brain
If we learn simple, practical ways to work with brain states – ours and our teens’ – we can radically increase our peace, our connection, and our chances of success with each other.
Because here’s the deal:
Teens are not intentionally storming off, putting in earbuds, or ignoring us just to make life difficult. (Even though they can get really good at making it look intentional...)
Every human brain is designed to move fluidly between brain states depending on the moment-to-moment needs of their current environment. But due to the massive overhaul the teen brain goes through between the ages of 12 and 24, their brain is switching states more frequently, quickly, dramatically, and unexpectedly.
Under stress (even mild social stress), teens can more easily drop into Survival Mode — where the brain is built only for one thing: fending off danger.
Not: listening, planning, being considerate, helping with dinner, caring about our experience, staying in the room, or joyfully connecting.
This is why conversations about homework, chores, weekend plans, college applications, and even family pizza night can feel endlessly fraught.
But when we support their brain states, we get:
• More openness
• More willingness
• More warmth
• More follow-through
• And, sometimes – more time with us
Brain States á la Teen
All humans experience three primary brain states:
Survival State
⭐️ Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Appease reactions.
A teen in this state might:
- Argue randomly about an unimportant topic. (Fight)
- Bolt for their room. (Flight)
- Stay in bed, or on their phone, or in the bathroom for huge amounts of time. (Freeze)
- Act suddenly overly-sweet and make lots of false promises. (Appease)
Emotional State
⭐️ The brain is processing feelings and checking: Is it safe to share? Or do I need to hide this?
A teen in this state might:
- Be wearing their hoodie up and/or pajamas, schluffing around.
- Have a laundry list of what's wrong with the world/family/day/school.
- Characterize people, places, and things unfairly or dramatically.
- Complain about a thing and then refuse help about that thing.
- Be full of such joy or mirth that they can't be rational or mindful of risks.
Executive State
⭐️ The brain’s high-performance system that exhibits clear thinking, empathy, flexibility, creativity, cooperation, humor, memory, etc..
A teen in this state might:
- Goof around, but without being frenetic.
- Make jokes.
- Be interested in others.
- Most closely resemble themselves at a younger age.
But here's the catch:
Only one state can drive at a time.
We can’t logic a teen out of Survival.
We can’t motivate a teen out of Emotional overwhelm.
We can support the brain that’s driving — so that the teen naturally shifts to an Executive State on their own.
That’s what we call Speaking Brain.
And the basic steps are beautifully simple:
A — Assess
Notice which brain is currently “driving.” Look at body language, pace, tone, thinking style, intensity, or shut-down.
R — Regulate
We regulate ourselves. A regulating breath, a drink of water, slower movements — this literally tells their nervous system, this is not a Survival moment.
T — Talk (to the brain that’s driving):
Speak the language of the current brain state. (Not the state you wish they were in.)
Survival Brain
needs: safety, calm, time, breath, sensory comfort, non-threatening presence.
Ways you can Speak Survival Brain with a teen:
- Mood lights
- No conversation or questions
- Patience
- Plentiful and easy food they can grab (available, not offered)
- Don't take anything personally
- Calmly, plainly, non-reactively hold boundaries
What doesn't help: explanations, corrections, frustrations, commands.
Emotional Brain
needs: empathy, curiosity, kindness, acknowledgment, and connection.
Ways you can Speak Emotional Brain with a teen:
- Murmur sounds of understanding (even if you don't fully get it all)
- Reflect emotions, "Oh, that sounds frustrating."
- Get curious with them about what else they feel
What doesn't help: solutions, reassurance, or admonitions (“You just need to relax.”)
Executive Brain
needs: collaboration, choices, respect, agency, logic, partnership.
Ways you can Speak Executive Brain with a teen:
- Offering the option of teaming up (not automatically "helping")
- Respecting their knowledge of self and circumstances
- Cheering on their solutions
- Circling back to anything that needs to be cleared up from earlier when their brain wasn't online
When we talk to the right brain state, we don’t just reduce conflict — we grow connection, and help our teen get back to their own capability, rather than trying to drag them there.
The Good News
Teen brains are rewiring themselves right now – massively. It’s messy and glitchy, but it’s also the perfect moment to introduce emotional and nervous system support.
When we support teen brain states well:
Executive Brain becomes available more often and stays on longer
Communication becomes clearer and less explosive
Repair becomes easier and faster
We become trusted allies, rather than perceived threats
Relationships deepen – even in the thick of adolescence
This is what we teach.
How to use brain systems and state-specific support to turn everyday life into fertile ground for connection, capability, and calm.
It’s not about controlling teens – or anyone else!
It’s about supporting their brain so they can be who they’re capable of being.
Want to become a pro at this?
Our NeuroEmotional Coach Training is a comprehensive road map. Spend five science-and-connection-soaked months with us and come out an expert on supporting yourselves and others to work with the flow of neurochemistry. Class starts February 5th.
And if you have teens in your life, know we're right there with you! Our daughters are (about to be) 25, 22, and 18. We're cheering you on from just a little up the path!
P.S. If you'd love more of this in conversation form — and want to see how it works in real parent/teen situations — let's chat.