Daylight savings kicked in and our furnace stopped working.
Just when you'd want to do a photoshoot in the yellow leaves and then cozy up with a frothy chai in your cozy den, it was instead dark at 4pm and literally as cold inside as it was outside.
For three weeks.
Here's what happened for me during those 21 days.
Wearing two sweaters and new earrings from my mama.
...I Had Dark Thoughts
There is something we teach in all our courses, called State-Specific Thinking. What this means is that our thoughts match the neurochemical state in which we find ourselves (and not the other way around, aka thoughts create feelings). Especially in an uncomfortable Emotional Brain state and most Survival Mode brain states, we tend to have pretty negative thoughts.
When our furnace broke and our house – and my toes, nose, and fingers – were cold all day, my mood plunged along with the temps. Although I had shelter, water, safety, blankets, and food, the lack of warmth tilted my nervous system more regularly toward upset Emotional and reactive Survival states.
From here everything looked and felt frozen and dreary.
* My face (though smiling for the camera) slackened.
* My outlook on each aspect of my life dimmed.
* The occasional shortage of milk in the fridge felt catastrophic.
State-Specific Thinking was having its way with me, and my thoughts perfectly matched my discomfited brain states.
I heard myself, inside my own head, say things like:
* "Well, not everyone gets to have what they want."
* "I guess no one likes us."
* "Nothing is fun."
* "We're on a downward slide."
Pretty dark!
…I Supported Myself
I'm an expert at working with brain states and helping others to do the same. (The Center has clients and students all over the world working with their brain states to develop Emotional Sovereignty and increase personal success and satisfaction. We've been doing that work for almost 20 years.) And over the last few weeks there were times when I wanted to be in charge of how I felt and not let the temperature of my house dictate my brain state and therefore my thoughts.
So I did something about it.
– Before coaching my clients
– Before teaching Emotional Sovereignty School
– Before signing a big work contract
– Anytime I needed to think clearly
– Whenever I wanted to feel some jazz and pep
Here's a partial list of what I did to shift my brain state and improve my feelings (and therefore my thoughts):
* Got some NeuroEmotional Coaching sessions
* Used all my Emotional Sovereignty tools
* Wore extra clothes
* Worked in a warm coffee shop instead of from home
* Stayed fed, well
* Reduced other forms of stress (putting off anything that didn't need immediate tending)
* Vented and moaned
* Took myself on walks and intentionally emoted my anger, despair, frustration, etc.
* Worked out a lot
* Ran several miles a week
* Never skipped an intimacy opportunity
When I did these things my brain state would shift and so did my thoughts.
Afterwards I heard myself, inside my own head, say things like:
* "This is so fun."
* "Oh! You know what? We should _______ (insert brilliant idea here)."
* "Sucks to be cold, but I'm so looking forward to a new, even better, furnace!"
* "Wow. We've done so many cool things."
* "Aw. We got so many love letters from clients and students this week! I love them."
So not-dark!
I Also Did Not Support Myself
The thing about Emotional Sovereignty is, just because you know how to shift your brain state doesn't mean you have to.
Sometimes I didn't want to feel better and didn't particularly need to, so I didn't.
I Eeyored and harumphed around, not bothering a soul. I listened to a podcast instead of working my feelings, or took a walk and didn't do anything intentional to shift my neurochemistry. I didn't take a bath or do anything else to help me feel better.
My thoughts were dark and I knew why.
I thought to myself:
"Woah, these are some seriously state-specific thoughts, and when I feel better I will think better-feeling thoughts, but for now, it's okay that I think everything sucks."
Sometimes life intervened in a lovely way.
Like the night I was grumbling around and then the Northern Lights put on a show, and Nathan and Echo and I stood on our balcony and oohed and aahed.
And then Romy invited me to a last-minute opportunity to see one of my all-time favorite writers, David Sedaris, with her and we walked through the gorgeous night to laugh til our cheeks hurt.
Sometimes life intervened in a not-lovely way.
Like when we got a surprise legal invoice for some copyright help we got back in early 2024 with an unexpected $2400 total. And I added that to my list of gripes and continued my harrumphing with no intention of even trying to feel better.
No one has to feel better if they don't want to.
Today the new furnace arrived.
I met technician Jacob at the door and wasn't even slightly mad that he was there at the crack of dawn and early. He was a welcome sight.
And now the house is warm.
Instead of a shell filled with icy air, we once again have a cozy den. My shoulders have dropped away from my ears and I'm only wearing one sweater!
One sweater, same earrings.
Will I go into Survival Mode or Emotional Mode even though our house is now warm?
Absolutely.
The warm house will encourage greater nervous system safety. and my neurochemistry won't be as vulnerable to external stress, but I'll still find elements of my life stressful. I'll still hate some things or have bad days, and that's okay.
The goal isn't to stay in an Executive Brain State all the time. That's not even a thing. The goal for those of us working our Emotional Sovereignty is brain state agility, not stasis. We aim to be nimble and in charge. Moving out of a Survival state and through an Emotional state efficiently anytime we need to, or just want to.
Tomorrow morning, I might step in cat puke after waking up from a stress dream, or pinch my finger in the chicken gate, or get some unexpected unwelcome news. My Emotional or Survival Brain will take over and my thoughts will go cloudy: "This is the worst day. Poor me. Why does everything have to suck."
That's just life. It's always lifin'.
And I may support myself with my tools, or I may not. That's my prerogative.
(That word really is spelled that way. I don't remember that spelling from the music video, do you?)
We simply can't make our houses (or lives) permanently cozy enough to avoid all of the emotions, stress, and accompanying thoughts, but we can know what to do with stress and feelings, and when to believe our thoughts.
Anyway.
If you want the tools to support yourself when you want, (or the tools you can ignore completely when you want), we got you covered. (Email love@centerforemotionaleducation.com if you'd like us to send you our course catalog... 😉)
From our now comfy home to yours, we're cheering for you.