Don't Leave!

Does your child sob when you leave them? Do you reassure them that you'll "be right back"? Are they still upset?

As it turns out rational thinking is a higher brain function and when kids are heart-broken at your departure this function is unavailable to them. 

Empathy is your friend in this instance and every other instance of upset! "You're sad I'm leaving huh? Darn. That doesn't feel good." Some time and a good snuggle will send the empathy home. 

You'll still walk out the door and you'll leave a much better-feeling child behind. 

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Grateful

Gratitude. Ooh baby, this is probably the feeling we want our children to express more than any other.

Have you heard of extrinsic and intrinsic motivation? When we prompt our kids to say thank you we are using extrinsic motivation. They say thank you because they are trying to please us, or stay out of trouble. When they come to gratitude on their own and say thank you without prompting, they are using intrinsic motivation. They are saying it because they feel it and because saying so feels good to them.

Science tells us that for long term behavior repetition, intrinsic beats extrinsic HANDS DOWN. In fact, the use of extrinsic motivation actually makes it less likely that a child will repeat the behavior over time!

So what to do?

1. Model gratitude. Say thank you every chance you get. 
2. Stop forcing and prompting thank yous. 
3. Stop praising the use of thank yous. (Rewards are extrinsic motivators!)
4. Trust. Your child is actually grateful and if given a chance will demonstrate that in their own way, on their own schedule.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Fine

Is this what your child looks like when you ask him how he's feeling? Do you always get the same answer, a rote "Fine", even when you can tell there is something more going on?

Here are two crucial elements for growing your child's emotional intelligence:

1. Safety. If your child doesn't feel safe from judgement he won't open up. Be sure to be neutral about ALL FEELINGS- the good, the bad, the ugly.

2. Modeling. Talk about your own feelings throughout the day! How do you feel about the traffic? The spring buds? The cat barf? Make "emotional talk" the norm.

Do these two things and watch your boy, or girl, unfold. Find out what is inside that beautiful little heart.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

My Belly Hurts

Does your child complain of a bellyache even when it doesn't seem to be true, like they are just making it up?

They probably are. Not because they are "lying" but because parents often respond with care and connection when their child is physically suffering. It just may be the case that your child is feeling NERVOUS or SCARED or GUILTY or WORRIED or SAD and a bellyache is the surest way to get the love they need so much.

Short story? Let the reason for their discomfort be "true", see it for what it really is: a cry for connection. Be thankful they've found an avenue to relief. Eventually, as they trust you to hold all of their feelings sacred, not just the physical ones, they won't need to find an excuse to get connection.

Happy ending.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Rush No More

Did you know that fine motor skills are an upper brain function? Did you know that when we hurry our kids it is stressful and signals their brains to shift processing to the lower brain? So when it's time to hustle and we rush our kids while asking them to put on their shoes they often look like the boy in this illustration.

It's so inconvenient!

As it turns out empathy, connection, and touch are the quickest way back to upper brain functions. So even though it feels like you don't have time for it a hug just might save the day!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Yippee!

Is this your kid? Bouncing off the walls when they should be doing something else?

It's so tempting to go into CONTROL MODE, doling out threats to get them to calm down and focus. So often the more tight and tense we get the wilder they become!

Luckily empathy works to mellow out even higher-end feelings. Even when kids are expressing crazy excitement what they are truly seeking is connection. So try out empathy for times like these: "Wow! Are you super excited?? Woo hoo! Alright!!"

Recognize their emotional experience and it will shift, whether they are sad or manic, every time.

Bonus feature: You don't act like a jerk. The result is a stronger relationship with continued benefits into the future.

Image credit: Feeleez Poster

Upset as Opportunity

Did you know that empathy is contagious?

Any empathy you offer your child directly affects your own brain chemistry as well as the brain chemistry of anyone in the vicinity.

So when your kid freaks out at the grocery store and you start to panic and everyone around you seems to be suffering as well, remember the CONTAGION EFFECT. As soon as you offer empathy your child will start to feel better (and quiet down) AND you will start to feel better (and calm down) AND those onlookers will feel better (even smile!).

When this happens it feels like magic, but it's actually chemistry. Humans are amazing.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Everyone Is a Teacher

Did you always imagine raising a child that would reach out to others? One that would perhaps notice another child on the playground that was feeling lonely and befriend her?

That sought-after quality is called EMPATHY and the best way to teach it is to employ it yourself.

This means stopping yourself from trying to explain your child's feelings away (i.e.: "No need to worry honey, we'll get you a new one.") or coerce them into feeling better (i.e.: "Why don't you stop crying so we can talk about it."). Employing empathy means you simply recognize the feeling and allow it to be (i.e.: "You're feeling worried and sad about that huh?").

Each time you do this you make it not only possible but LIKELY that your child will recognize the feelings of others.

It's a win win!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Not a Goose

Feeling silly is fun!

Sometimes parents join in and celebrate by tossing out playful names like: "You silly goose!" This is all in good fun, but in the interest of emotional safety (and the HUGE benefits of said safety) perhaps it would be better to celebrate without any labels. This makes it clear that not even subtle playful judgement is placed on feelings, that all are ok and none define who you are. 


Instead: "You feeling silly?! WOO HOOOO!!!"

Image credit: Feeleez Matching Game

No Right to Embarrass

Kids, just like grownups, have pride. Even if they are breaking a rule or "not listening", it doesn't mean they are immune to the humiliating effects of a public correction.

Always remember to pull them aside for a private discussion when they need re-direction. Better yet, insert a big dose of CONNECTION before private correction.

Embarrassment never feels good.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Ow

This Feeleez illustration is beloved by the 1-3yr old set. They like to narrate the injury, the crying, the potential bandaid and hug from mama or papa. It's straightforward; child suffers, child gets love and tenderness.

Here at the Center for Emotional Education we think every scenario- every outburst, meltdown, or infraction can first be triaged with love and tenderness. A child that is acting out is suffering and needs an "emotional bandaid" as much as one who has scraped an elbow.

When kids feel better, they do better.

Image credit: Feeleez matching game.

Seeing Red

The phrase "seeing red" come to mind?

When kids (anyone really) feel an intense emotion their higher brain functions completely shut down and all activity then originates from the reflexive brain (FIGHT, FLIGHT, FRIGHT!). This is just brain science, not a character flaw the child possesses. We can help brain activity move back into higher functions more quickly using empathy and connection during intense emotions.

Boiling Point

It's no joke. Kids can get to this level of rage over the color of their cereal bowl, or twisty socks. Why? Usually it's because they have too many unspent emotions built up and when the socks twist the emotional limit is reached and the dam bursts.

The good news? As loving caregivers we can drain off the emotional pressure throughout the day. 30 second bursts of empathy for life's little upsets keep the emotion level manageable.

So make a bit of time here and there to connect and empathize!

Andy feels Anxious

Sometimes we feel like this and that's ok. Knowing that a parent will help you, listen to you, love you, and be kind to you even when you aren't "big", "brave", or "strong ", builds a foundation of trust that provides important benefits FAR into adulthood.

So here's to support for ALL feelings, not just the enjoyable ones!

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Shy

Did you know that "shy" is an emotion, not a personality trait?

Like all emotions, shyness is a temporary state, one that passes more quickly with non-judgemental support from a loved one.

Next time your child shows signs of shyness try empathy statements such as "Are you feeling shy around this new person?" rather than explanatory statements such as "Oh sorry, she's pretty shy." Give your child a sense of emotional flexibility. She isn't a shy person, she's simply feeling shy in this moment.

Feelings are transient. As soon as we recognize and honor them they lighten their hold on us.

Image credit: Feeleez ABCs

Bummer

Sometimes kids are unhappy. And sometimes this is extremely uncomfortable for parents. In order to help our child feel better (and thus help ourselves feel better) we spring into FIX IT MODE. We bend over backwards looking for solutions, we work longer hours to afford greater luxuries, we schedule more more more to help our kids be happy.

It's exhausting. AND it doesn't work. The whole spectrum of emotions occurs despite the best circumstances.

Instead of killing ourselves controlling circumstances we'd be better off putting our energy into supporting the upset. In the face of empathy a human being is actually incapable of holding onto an emotion. Rub their backs, nod understandingly, mirror the emotion you see and slowly but surely it will lift (away from BOTH of you).

Can I Have That?

Kids ask for a lot of things. Sometimes it can feel like they are in a constant state of want and that can feel pretty stressful for parents.

Here's the thing: yearning is an emotion. We need not give our kids what object they are asking for in order to satisfy. Empathy often can be even more satisfying.

So next time your kid asks for something instead of a YES, NO, or NOT NOW, try empathy: "Wow! That does look amazing. I can totally see why you want that. Tell me what you like about it..."

No need to purchase anything, connect instead!

Image credit: Feeleez ABC

A Taste

Our ecourse, Parenting on the Same Team, is coming up! Just a couple weeks left to register for this life-changing course. To give you a taste of the topics, and to show you how carefully and lovingly we handle each of your questions during the course, I am sharing this post from a few years back.

The course starts Oct. 24th and runs six weeks. Click here to register.

 

I am getting stuck on a particular knee-jerk habit that comes from my childhood: punishment. I have a feisty 2.5 yr old son. We have a special dynamic because I have a serious temper. The scene you described with yanking your daughters out of the stroller is very familiar to me. It happens every other day or so. I am seeing a therapist about it, because I know it is abusive, and I am trying my hardest to learn different skills for responding when I feel provoked. i.e. things feel out of control for me. The type of punishment that I want to ask about isn't this rageful reaction, it's the: you were throwing a hard toy and I explained why you shouldn't so I am going to take it away from you. Punishment disguised as natural consequences. But they're not, because they are choices I make about him, his toys, etc. With my son, it seems pretty clear that he has learned to do exactly what I've made clear I don't want him to do. Somehow, I trained him to get my attention through aggravating actions: screaming at the table, throwing hard toys, absolutely refusing to let me put clothes on him, etc. I've created an adversarial relationship with him already! And in the moment it happens, I have the urge to do something, to take the toy, to leave the table, to say, "OK, then we're not going out", which I HATE, because I know that I'm keeping the dynamic going somehow. I guess my problem is not really with punishment, it's how to get back to the sense that he and I are a team, to change the dynamic such that he isn't trying to piss me off all the time. I know it's something I'm doing, I just don't know what it is. OK: it's obvious that this doesn't fall under any neat topic. I know the magic word is empathy, but how do you have empathy with their desire to provoke? "I can see that you really want to make me mad??" Can't be.. "I can tell that you really want my attention." This doesn't at all work with the refusal to get dressed. Which may not actually have anything to do with provoking me, but may just be a frustration with being handled. Well, if any of this brings anything up in you, I'd love a response.

This question is actually a HUGE one that touches on so, so, much.  Here goes.

I hear you saying that:

  • you love your boy.
  • things aren't working.
  • you suspect you have responsibility for the current dynamic.
  • you want certain behaviors to shift.
  • you want connection, a sense that you are on the same team.

So let's look at each one.

You love your boy. This is a fantastic place to start. The love that you feel will carry you through a million interactions, it will inspire you to seek help when things aren't going as well as you'd like, to dig deeper than you ever have before with anyone else in your life. This love means that your son is lucky and that there is fertile ground for a healthy relationship between the two of you.

Things aren't working. No, they aren't. And it sounds so frustrating, tiring, and infuriating. This is not how you want your relationship to proceed. This is not how you want your environment to feel.

You suspect you have responsibility for the current dynamic. And you are right! Although children come with unique and complex personalities, parents are in charge of the emotional and logistical atmosphere in the home. We always have to be the "bigger person" and we can count on our children to provide a reflection of how our actions and thoughts are either working or not working.

You want certain behaviors to shift. Screaming at the table, throwing hard toys, and refusing to get dressed are not working for you. This brings us to the issue of obedience. It is clear from your comment that you do not like your current method of "natural consequences", mostly because there is nothing natural about them, as they are not from naturally occurring phenomenon in his environment, but from his mother. And I agree with you, a natural consequence is feeling cold because you chose not to wear your coat. Yanking a hard toy away because it was thrown is not a natural consequence, it is the consequence of breaking a rule, one not made by mother nature, but by an authority figure.

That being said I can understand wanting a rule about throwing hard toys, or rules about anything for that matter. Children bring so much chaos (so much!) into a parent's life that it is understandable to want to guide things along, making certain actions unacceptable and placing a premium on doing what mom (or dad) says. The problem is that it doesn't work, not to mention that it wreaks havoc on your connection (the next item on your wish list).

When you want him to do, (or not do), something and he is resisting, consider the following:

- It seems counter-intuitive but to have more control you must let go of control. With fewer rules to resist, children resist less. Many of us have created numerous and senseless regulations that are needless. If your boy is resisting the "rules", one option is to rethink your list of "don'ts" and see which can be loosened, and which can be tossed completely.

- Use NO sparingly. This word is most potent when used only in critical moments, such as immediate safety situations. Watering it down by automatically using it at every turn renders it useless. And even if your answer is negative there are ways to frame it so that  there is less friction to brace against.

Yes, I will be able to read you a story, but I want to brush my teeth first. (Instead of: No, not right now.)

That's a possibility. Let me think about what our next steps might be and I'll let you know how we can fit a trip to the park into our day. (Instead of: Well, we have a lot to do today, probably not.)

Yes, I hear that you want to go to the library very badly. I'm not sure we have time today but I know it's important to you and I will work to make that happen as soon as possible. (Instead of: No, not today.)

- Use empathy as a way to teach empathy. "Good" behavior or obedience, can be achieved by encouraging empathic behavior. A child that can recognize feelings as they occur for others automatically considers how their choices are contributing to those feelings. This often results in actions that we have come to consider "polite" or "proper". A child that recognizes another's pain and feels bad for bumping into them will naturally apologize. An enforced Say your sorry! isn't necessary. When given the information that Aunt Flo feels sad when kids chase her cat, an empathic child will, more likely than not, stop chasing the cat. A rule that declares NO CAT CHASING! isn't required. The most effective way to develop empathy in children is to treat them with empathy. 

In your case, you are right, "I can see that you really want to make me mad??" and "I can tell that you really want my attention.", won't work. The first makes an assumption which is unfounded, the second seems a bit abstract for the circumstance of getting dressed. Empathy can be as simple as: 

You are mad, huh?

You don't want to get dressed. You want to keep doing what you are doing, and you'd rather I stop bothering you? 

You're screaming. Are you frustrated?

But more importantly, empathy from a parent is a stance, a frame through which to view your child. It is not something to say and then force the pants on anyway. It is not something to say and then continue ignoring their request for attention. It is not something to say while yanking a toy away. It is not a way to get them to do something they do not want to do. It is a way for you to show them that what they want is noticed, that what they feel is important to you, that their needs and interests are valued. 

What does this have to do with behaviors? Everything. If you give your boy genuine empathy for his emotional state then he will never get to the point where he has to do anything aggravating to get your attention, to be understood, or to have his needs considered.

- Look for the underlying need behind the action. When a child is driven toward a particular action, and especially when they won't stop doing that action, even when you have asked them not to, there is a very good chance that a strong need is their motivation. Look and listen closely, open your mind to strange possibilities and you just might be able to offer information and an alternative solution that meets that need.

I see that you're banging that hammer on the wall... I am concerned about making marks. Are you wanting to fix something and be helpful? Hmmm. Can I set you up with the work bench outside? (Underlying need: purpose, effectiveness, or creativity)

Honey, I asked you to stay out of that tree. It isn't strong enough to hold you. Are you wanting a challenge? Shall we go to the park where you can climb that dragon's tower? ( Meeting the underlying need of: freedom or competence)

Please stop hitting your sister. She doesn't like it and is getting angry. Do you want her attention? Can I help you find a way to get that in a different way? (Meeting the underlying need of: love, to be seen, or companionship)

A complete list of needs can be found here.

- Offer as much information as possible. Disobedience is often due to a lack of understanding, something easily remedied when the parent is willing to take time to explain. We often have very good reasons for asking our children to do something, or to stop doing something, but don't share them. Providing information allows children to see the thought process behind our decisions.

Tommy that stroller was built for a baby doll so I'm pretty sure it can't hold you. Will you climb out of there?

Elizabeth, I notice that the cat is putting her ears back and swishing her tail. I think that means she doesn't like the way you are petting her. Will you try something else?

- Respect children as human beings and treat them accordingly. Children are not pets to be directed with barks and commands. They aren't even yours, they are theirs. They have their own opinions, thoughts and desires and recognizing this will go a long way in getting them to do anything. 

You want connection, a sense that you are on the same team. From my perspective the greatest hurdle to a connection with your son is your perspective. You do not see the two of you as a team,  you see him as an adversary, a person that is "trying to piss me off", that has a built-in "desire to provoke", and chooses "aggravating actions" in order to get your attention. You cannot have connection with someone standing on the opposing riverbank. You, the parent, have to cross over. 

- Empathy is one way to do this. Real empathy as mentioned above, the willingness to put yourself in his shoes.

He is screaming at you not because he wants to bother you, this is not an innate motivation in humans, but because he wants you. You are his end all, be all, and he wants to feel your gaze. This does not mean that you must drop everything you are doing and stare at him every minute of every day, but it does mean that when he indicates a need for your attention, you give him some. Attention seeking, by the way, has gotten a bad rap in recent "parenting theory". It is not, as some would describe it, manipulative. It is survival. Babies and children need their caretakers to fully notice them and their needs or else they will perish. Literally. So be careful about how you see attention seeking, give yourself freely and liberally, and he may not need to scream to get it.

My daughter would rather stay naked than anything else in the world. Getting clothes on that girl is a daily issue. I have to twist my head into her way of thinking time and time again to find empathy, and not become so frustrated that I shout ultimatums or shove her chubby legs into pant holes. 

- A simplified life is another. 

A time crunch is death to a mother/child relationship. When we are in a hurry we do things we wouldn't otherwise do, like shoving our children into car seats, making promises we can't keep, bribing, yelling, dismissing, name-calling. These actions do not create or maintain connection. If we can avoid hurrying we are doing a great service to our children. 

This means literally scheduling less. Days in which you do not leave the house. Days in which there is no need to get dressed. It also means doing less even when we are home. Fewer dishes, fewer loads of laundry, fewer baths, fewer phone calls, fewer t.v. shows. With a schedule like this it seems nothing will ever get done, and perhaps it all takes longer, but without tantrums, crying, and screaming matches, a whole lot more becomes possible. But that is beside the point, connection blossoms under these conditions. Shoving aside a pile of laundry in order to hold each other is worth it.

- Demoting obedience is another.

It's hard to nurture a connection with a raging dictator. Demanding strict, unquestioning obedience is a great way to drive a wedge between two people. When in doubt about any parenting choices, a good reality check is to ask yourself if the considered course of action strengthens your relationship with your child or weakens it. If you always err on the side of strengthening the relationship there will not only be less need to look for or demand obedience, there will also be a sturdy relationship in place to weather any of life's storms.

- Intentional time together is another. 

One hour each day in which you do nothing but focus on your child works wonders for connection. One hour simply tuning in to them and their world without answering the phone, or making lists, oranything else and there will be no way to remain on opposite banks of the river.

There are more ways to connect, specific to each child and each mother. More include:

- Being present...taking breaths in the moment, noticing what is happening for the child without saying anything, just keenly observing.

- Asking kid for help with cooking, raking, problem solving, etc.

- Sleeping together as a family.

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