Are you feeling some anxiety, or some sadness, or disturbance, and can't quite figure out why this feeling is here, or why it's so strong?
If so, you're not alone!
This is one of the most common questions we get asked:
Why do I feel like this?
And we get it! Before we studied how emotion works, we frequently wondered this too. Here's how we break it down in Emotional Sovereignty School:
First and foremost, every emotion we feel is an aggregate.
When we teach this in class, we use the image of a multi-layered cake. (This is the exact slide we put up...)
The experience we have of a feeling is built from:
Our immediate reaction to a stimulus
Our concepts, particularly about emotion
Our history
The story we tell our self about it
First layer: Something happens around which we have a reaction. (If nothing happens or we don't have any discernible reaction to it, generally no or very low emotional experience occurs.)
Examples of stimulus:
The kid is gluing bedazzle gems to the wall
The cat is puking
The baby just did their first giggle
The smell of fresh banana bread just came through the open window
Your partner just made that one sigh (you know the one)
You're reminded of a loved one who passed
We start with a pretty basic reaction to the stimulus, which includes some level of Arousal (stirred up, not amorous) to Calm, and Pleasantness to Unpleasantness, plus whatever our body is doing (like our heart rate, breathing, etc.). This reaction happens mostly under the radar of our noticing, but sometimes, especially once we know to look for it, we might catch a glimpse of these elements in real time.
Second layer: Our concepts and experiences (especially emotional ones) color our response to that initial reaction.
Examples of concepts related to the examples of stimuli:
I believe walls should be immaculately adorned, not carelessly crafted
Cats are nasty
A baby's first anything should be witnessed and recorded
My family always made banana bread at Christmas
That sigh is close to anger, anger is scary
My person should still be here
All the ideas we’ve been given about how we should feel about particular kinds of stimulus influence our perspective on what feeling would be an appropriate and useful-enough-to-my-current-goals response to the initial reaction to stimulus. These concepts are passed subtly or overtly from our kinfolk, community members, and culture.
Third layer: Our personal history gets involved.
Examples of history that could influence our take:
My mom spanked me when I wrote my name on the wall
My aunt's house had so many cats, the family always talked bad about her, no one visited her
This is the first baby on my mom's side in 35 years, it's such a big deal
I feel so many feelings at Christmas, but you're supposed to be cheery, so I try not to cry at holiday gatherings
We were told to stay out of his way when my step-dad was upset, he was a major sigher, too
I've never lost someone so close/ I keep losing close people
How many times we've experienced something like this, how painful or pleasurable those times were, and how they resolved or not all influence how we relate to our concepts and initial reaction. All the feelings we've felt before but were unable to process and all the ways we’ve been handled during previous moments like these are included in this layer.
Fourth layer: The stories/identities we've created inform our emotional expectations.
Examples of stories made from the concepts and history around the stimulus:
I am super OCD when it comes to home decor
I'm more of a dog person
I'm an uptight parent
I'm a crier
I'm a nervous nelly
I'm not ok without my person
So yeah, it makes perfect sense that you'd be crying on a regular Wednesday because a random neighbor made banana bread!
Or because there are gems glued to your wall
Or because the cat puked
Or the baby laughed
Or the partner sighed
Or you thought of your loved one whom you miss
Given your precise makeup, your particular set of inherited concepts, your personal potent history, and the way you see yourself...
How could you not have the feeling(s) you're having right now?
The good news: you're so normal it's kinda ridiculous.
The even better news: now that you know why you have the exact feelings you have (and not someone else's), we can help you know what to do with them.
We have a whole school dedicated to just this!
Emotional Sovereignty School is for those who want to re-wire their nervous system for greater ease, empowerment, and possibility. Those who want to not only understand how their feelings work but how to work intelligibly with them. And those who are ready to take their healing and growth into their own hands.
We've developed a 3-part, simple to use system that everyone we've ever taught was able to do and has gotten tremendous results from using.
Are you ready for this step?
We're ready for you!