We hope this finds you in a moment of ease.
Have you ever been cruising along, “going with the flow”, keeping it cool, staying out of it, trying to be calm and collected – and then your kid or your partner crosses some line, commits some sort of household “crime”, and you absolutely e x p l o d e?
And in the midst of your exploding you lay down some firm and extreme line, like:
“I’M THROWING YOUR PHONE IN THE TRASH!”
Or,
“THAT’S IT. I WILL NO LONGER DO ANYTHING NICE FOR YOU EVER AGAIN!”
Or,
“YOU’RE GROUNDED UNTIL SUMMER!”
Ever wonder – what the heck is that about? Is that even a boundary I can maintain?
Why do our boundaries get so wildly out of step with the “crime”?
The truth is, we often try to use boundaries as a way to do something about our uncomfortable feelings. Especially those uncomfortable feelings we tend to look away from...
And then one day, the kid makes a face or refuses to do something, or the partner moves our stuff without asking, and those uncomfortable feelings are IGNITED.
We are so desperate to get away from the feelings, to make them stop, that all of a sudden attempting to severely control the actions of our people feels not only like a good idea, but the only idea.
Oof. Dang...
Boundaries can be such bewildering creatures.
Is it fair to say that finding a different way to manage this whole scenario might be appealing? We think so...
Sometimes we can see a boundary coming from miles away. We see it on the horizon and can declare it elegantly, kindly, gently. We know we have strong needs and preferences and when we’re able to give our people a heads-up they are far more likely to help us out by honoring the boundary.
Other times we don’t anticipate our own agitation or our own triggers. Perhaps we don’t see them coming, or maybe we were distracted, or perhaps we weren’t brave enough to speak up ahead of time. Now that we’re "in it", we reach recklessly for the boundary, and in throwing it down we hurt people we love.
Sometimes we’re so unprepared that we aren’t careful or kind and the boundary rips through the relationship inviting major damage.
Sometimes our boundaries come so late and so fiercely that they burn down the relationship entirely.
Want to keep your relationships and yet honour your boundaries?
Are you tired of breaking up with friends, neighbors, partners, bosses? Are there people you simply can’t break up with? Like your kids?
Who doesn't want better boundaries if it means that your relationship is livable?!
Over the years, we’ve supported hundreds of our students and community to have an easier, more fluid, and more successful experience claiming and maintaining their boundaries.
This year, we're bringing all the concepts and tools that made the Better at Boundaries companion programs we’ve created so innovative, useful, and transformative into a potent live weekend experience!
Beloved clients, students, and friends – we give you the Better at Boundaries Masterclass 2023 – June 3rd and 4th on zoom.
This is our opportunity to share with you all we've learned from 22 years of research, 16 years of practice with our 1:1 clients, and a decade of teaching about boundaries specifically. And this is your opportunity to learn more than you ever knew you needed to know about how to honour your own boundaries, and team up with your loved ones for mutual needs-meeting with ease, flow, and serious success.
Want to come along with us for this super fun and life-enhancing weekend? You're just who we want to be there with!
Love,
Natalie and Nathan